I'm just a mom

So today I attended R's open house for school aka daycare. It was very surreal. I know I have to go back to work--eventually ...and I know that work provides for Royce's home, food, and clothing, but-- I'm his mama!!! I feel like I'm letting him down,like I owe it to him to be with him. I chose to have him, not the other way around. I calculated it and he will actually be there more waking hours then with me. I shouldn't have calculated it :-o.


I'm grateful that I've had all this time off with him. When I do go back to work I will have been home with him a total of 3 months. In fact, I should be back at work now because my maternity leave has ended. After scrambling around trying to find childcare for the two weeks my provider would be closed I decided to extend my leave. I knew it would mean hard work for me prepping from home for the beginning of the year, but I also knew it would be worth getting R to the three month mark. Mr. Blog supported it and said that he was sure R would love more time with me too.

In total it will have been 4 months since I have worked ( minus sub plans and setting up my room). I realize that some people don't even get that. They get six weeks and that's it. *Sigh* I would have too if his birth hadn't coincided with summer vacation. In some European countries moms get 3 years off for child rearing--3 years! In a perfect world I would have been able to stay with him for six months at the very least.

So back to open house. As we walked up to the door I whispered to him that this was his new school, and he would be starting soon. I met his teachers and toured the room. I thought of all the milestones he would accomplish there and then I thought selfishly that I didn't want him to accomplish anything there. I want him to do it all in my presence. He just started sitting up when you hold him about 2 weeks ago and he just started gripping last week. He is so, so, proud of himself when he picks up a toy or grabs your necklace, his blanket, or your hair! He'll be teething, sitting up, crawling, walking---all for the first time, possibly without me. It's a hard thought to wrap my head around.

As I stood there listening to the smiling teachers I watched my son. One of the teachers asked if she could hold him and he was just smiling and cheesing away. He looked so comfortable. Meanwhile my head was spinning. I was glad he seemed at ease because it made me feel a bit better. I will take him to daycare a few days next week so that we can both feel more comfortable with it.